Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
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Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating