I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
You Might Also Like
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Before & after 😅
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Cndnsd Mlk
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.