Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
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Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
tis the season
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
These aliens are taking forever.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.