Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
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I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
🤣dope
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*