My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
You Might Also Like
NASA has no chill
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.