This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
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Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ