My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
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What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.