I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
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I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse