My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
You Might Also Like
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours