she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
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When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location