If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
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[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.