I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
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A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.