there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
You Might Also Like
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task