Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
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Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
first you must answer his riddles
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”