*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
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Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
How to woo a woman
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die