“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
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3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.