McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
You Might Also Like
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve