Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
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Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I put the mess in domestic.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.