wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
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The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
when nothing goes right… go left
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.