I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
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The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.