I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
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“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.