People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
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I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.