[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
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Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Gods work.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.