TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
You Might Also Like
Support your local cemetery
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
good work, detective
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”