[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
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I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.