No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
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kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!