My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 馃檨
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I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don鈥檛 know. Go wash them.
4: Don鈥檛 you want to taste them first?
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma鈥檚 ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don鈥檛 like on
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Education is vital
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That鈥檚 motherhood summed up for you
Real terror is the moment when you realize you鈥檙e about to sneeze with sore abs
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Me: I鈥檓 tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I鈥檓 so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend