Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
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I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.