Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
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I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined