I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
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my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.