If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
You Might Also Like
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?