I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
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Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?