Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
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[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
ouch
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.