Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
You Might Also Like
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
handsome & gretel
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.