Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
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[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
What my back needs
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*