[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
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i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”