I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
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I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught