My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
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I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”