Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
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My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.