2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
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Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it