Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
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How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
⛄️
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.