get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
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[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
This squirrel eats better than I do
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process