Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
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Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.