Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
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[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you