When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
You Might Also Like
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
what’s really going on
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Check your privilege
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up