I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
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It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
“OMGJK” -atheists
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.