Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
You Might Also Like
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.