So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
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Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to