One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
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Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?