Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
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Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Wednesday
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.